Rolling around in my head

Hi Bekah :)
Yes I kinda feel like you, Rebekah Marsh might be the only one who may actually read this -- if you actually do. For that reason I guess I'm okay with that. I'm also okay with you skipping reading this as this is really just a jumbling up of thoughts rolling in my head that I need to process this morning and can't seem to adequately. For that reason, I logged onto my blog and started writing to find some clarity.

For the moment this is a view of my life. I'm living out of my car more or less. I'm feeling completely unmotivated for half the day and frustrated. I'm fighting with myself constantly to remind myself I want to be a happy, self motivated ambitious, strong, intelligent person. I want to be better about getting up in the morning, getting going and being productive. Ugh. I want to love everyone and for everyone to love me. Yes I realize that's not logical but that was mostly how life was up until now. And the struggles with people were little struggles not big and buggie.
I just want a few friends to include me in their things. I hear and see pictures all the time of people hanging out. I want to hang out. I call and ask people what they are up to and they say they are busy or they tell me about the dinner party they had last weekend. Lovely. :S I would plan things but I can't seem to gather a few friends to plan things with that I feel stable enough with. I would plan things but I'm kinda living out of my car so kind have to invite myself or not go so since I don't get invited by them, I can't get involved so I go to Safeway after work to check in on facebook because I dislike being at home that much.

I'm staying a little with a friend downtown right now but I feel like a burden. I don't like feeling like a burden.

I want to get a better job but I feel like if I stay here I will become hard, less sensitive, and lose some of that tenderness that is me. Sometimes I think I need to lose some of that. I am attracted to that kind of thing but it's just not me. But it is exciting. I want to be a school teacher. That's my greatest life ambition. I am excited I have a plan for that now! But that plan involves Utah and I'm not ready to go back yet am I? What do I do in the mean time? I have options I'm just not sure which option to take.

The End :)