My heart thoughts:

My Heart:
I want so much to give it out,
To hand it over freely.
My protections are so high
It seems easier to keep it safe.
To truly love you must let go
And hope the feeling returns.
I am not sure if my heart can take,
Opening up much more.
The one thing I want more than anything
Evades me once again.
I have to wonder
Is it because I won't let others in?
I keep it safe and things seem good,
Then when I start growing more attached,
The feeling of heartache feels hauntingly near.

I think I am a bit too good at protecting my heart. The good thing is that I am strong and able because of this. The bad thing is that when I open up I tend to get more defensive and scared and therefore push away those that I am trying to open my heart to. Isn't it fun having quirks? :P


Scared of having my heartache.
The pain it causes and the feelings that flow.
Why does it have to be so attached to my emotions?

When will I be able to open up?
Will there be someone patient enough for my quirk?

My heart has been broken,
I have survived so why does that feeling scare me so?
I made it through heartache before
So I know I can do it again.
Yet my defenses seem to be getting stronger.

I have an old friend who would laugh
As he thought my defenses were high way back when.
Am I growing and getting better with time or
Do my fears direct me where the faith should be leading?

What am I to do except learn and keep trying,
To get better and stronger with each experience!

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

Most Recent Learning Experience

Remember my post (I think it was the last one here) that said next time don't take a trip to visit friends instead take at least 1 friend with you. I was wrong and now stand corrected. Don't travel with friends or at least old roommates. It has now been about 6 weeks since my return from the cruise trip. I e-mailed the total of shared expenses to my travel mate who sent a reply saying her records don't match mine. I don't know what records she has cause I have every receipt and the bank statements. She hasn't yet responded to my latest inquires regarding our miscommunication on amounts so I am currently out $392 dollars. Sucks to be me right? Ha ha lesson learned - never be kind and pay it forward hoping a friend will return it. Blah why do I bother? Next trip just me! Ha ha maybe? Yeah I doubt it too.... til next time :)

Almost a year ago Chicago

Almost a year ago, I went to Milwaukee and Chicago to visit Sheila and Monica. It was a fun trip but turned out not exactly how I would have planned it. Due to circumstances beyond any or all of our control, I was left to my own devices on the Saturday of my trip. I started the day downtown Chicago.
While being alone in a big city at times can really frighten me, it can also be a day of adventures even if I am completely alone. I went to the Barnes and Nobles or Borders, don't know don't care which... and found the travel section. I picked up my pen and paper from my purse - I always have writing accessories on hand that's just me. I decided a few places I would like to go even if I didn't fully attend by paying fees as that can get really expensive and simply not as much fun to ooh and aah alone. My main focus, the Hancock Towers which was across town from my present location.
Off I went to walk there knowing I had technically all day to get there. I spent the day enjoying the buildings, taking time to observe, and window shopping here and there at boutiques. I stopped to eat at a Bistro that I heard some ladies say was voted best Bistro in Chicago. I ended up making it to Chicago by almost dark which was surprising by how few blocks it technically was between my destinations.
The reason I express this in my blog is that I was just thinking about the lesson I learned that day. I was so sad in the beginning of the day when the world seemed to fall apart and I was left, after traveling across the country to see my best friends, alone. I was so alone but I have been other times in my life. Some times it seems being alone is easier to handle and other times being alone seems really hard. I cried in the beginning of my walk then learned to enjoy it and make the best of it but in the end when I felt backed up again, I cried once again almost alienating my only ally in the city.
What did I learn? I wrote this that day. "I have learned a valuable lesson on this trip. I am completely capable and fine on my own. :) I do however enjoy people around more than being just me."
I would rather share my experiences with people but if forced to I am able to handle myself just fine all by myself. I don't need my friends to carry me or buoy me up. I need the Gospel and my Savior by my side.

HAPPY 4TH of JULY

I have to add this also, HAPPY 4th of July!
God Bless America, Land that I Love!
I am so thankful to be living in a country that is free based on our merits! We have fought to defend this land because it is worth defending and it is a beautiful strong place. I am thankful to be living here today!

Follow Up

So I sounded a bit grrr about not being married the other day when I wrote and decided to follow up. The bitter moment only lasted a moment so that's good (except that it comes and goes a lot but often quickly leaves -what can you do).
New thought today from The Five Love Languages of Singles: Love (and he is talking about the language of love used in every human interaction) is [where] requests are more likely to be honored. Responding to a sincere request is also an expression of love. It is doing something for the benefit of the person making the request. Reciprocal love is the fabric of which lasting friendships are made.
Friendships are cultivated and strengthened when we choose to speak each other's primary love language.

Marriage

"The supreme purpose of marriage is the union of a man and woman at the deepest possible level and in all areas of life, which in turn brings the greatest possible sense of fulfillment to the couple and at the same time serves best the purpose of God for their lives." -- Gary Chapman from The Five Love Languages for Singles

Get this - I'm single. Apparently I'm having a moment - sarcastic or sobbish or blah or why... who really knows right now but I'm in the mood to share my thoughts. :)

Here is a thought for ya, I read the books: Getting Serious About Getting Married, The Five Love Languages for Singles..., I go to the firesides and read the talks. Generally, I do pretty well about getting out there and meeting new people so that I'm not hiding in my hole hoping the right guy will just some how miraculously find me, I'm trying to help him. I'm happy, confident, educated,.... and not bad looking dang it.
SO what am I don't wrong and why can't I find my companion? Where is someone that I will love and that will love me in return that will build a relationship with me and then continue to work on it with me to sustain it throughout our lives as we have a family, own a home, have jobs, ..... Why can't any relationship I enter into ever just feel right for both of us - me and him a the same time?
I'm sure everybody has an opinion because everybody has a reason for me:
"oh you will find someone don't worry,"
"You are too hard on these guys, cut them some slack"
"Don't create things, cut him off, you are too willing to put up with things"
(yes you see a problem with the people I talk to already...)
"When you find him it will all just feel so right that's how it was with me and ____" (Oh shut up)

I'm 26 and when a coworker, father, walked by at work he said, "you guys act like being single at 26 is like having the plague or something." Sometimes I feel like I do have the plague. Everybody has a solution for me, advice on what I should do.
Yes, I don't want to continue to repeat the same things over and over because obviously that hasn't been successful in the past yet, sometimes the "oh don't worry you will find someone" gets really REALLY annoying and makes me want to hit you. If you say this to me and I hit you just know that you have been warned :)

Well that's the thought for the moment and yes I hope for comments and of course your advice.

Oh My Goodness I sound so bitter right now- I should work on that...

Just thinking

So I was just looking at my info page. It said I have 2 people who check my blog so for those 2 I am going to write some thoughts. :) Life is good! I had a giggle attack today at work because I started listening to some big band music which I haven't heard in a while and it made me feel silly. Gotta love moments like that eh?
I am trying to decide if I should create a blog for my piano students and parents as an open forum of communication. I can give advice and tips. Parents can help other parents with advice and tips. However, there could be some resisters and I am worried about constructive criticism because certain things should not be public in my opinion. I also wondered how people would post or if they could post without having the e-mail it was created with and password. Otherwise I have to create a just for piano e-mail but can't use it because they could then use it also...
What are your opinions or feedback on this?

Yes yes I know I don't update this often but I'll work on it! But for good measure I thought I would add this. There is a picture I saw with a cute little kid. The kid's shirt said, "My parents are exhausted." Super cute and funny too me and I know all too true! :)

This is Spencer Neese and Al Saunders -both boys on the outsides. Spencer asked me to choose the song for him to do karaoke to and I chose this, "My Girl". His roommates joined him. It was awesome! Sorry the video is shaking, I was too excited to pay attention to the camera :)

Cortney and my birthday

Grandma and Grandpa at the Roller Rink and Ally's cute new pink glasses:)

That's me and Cortney posing in the middle
Cortney and I had the same shrimp and angel hair pasta dish with salsa. Very Good
This was my cake. Naomi made it! Beautiful isn't it! Three layers and it looked just like the picture :)

New Years

Tera had 11 kids to entertain and have a party with at our house. Jerry and Naomi and Nicole and JB and family came to celebrate. So instead of buying poppers she had the kids make noise makers. They each designed bags and made paper airplanes to throw too! She is so good at this! Cortney and the others put up streamers around the living room. They spent lots of time during the day making airplanes and getting all excited. Tera really knows how to get the kids involved and extra excited for events like this :)
I played with them for a while then as the kids went their way for a bit, and the adults started playing ticket to ride I went to a big YSA activity. I danced the night away and brought some of the party back with me. This picture is missing Jenn Hogan who started out with us but about 2:30ish went to bed. These two stayed and worked on the puzzle til 6 AM. Yup thus the faces. BUT look how much of the puzzle we completed in one tired sitting :) Jared was determined to connect the castle...oh and can you say what a lucky guy to be surrounded by us for so long :)

Rexburg Idaho Temple

A quick shot as we approached. It was a beautifully snowy day. The flakes were perfect, with the most wonderful designs and slowly falling. Temples and snow- I couldn't ask for more! Me and the Rexburg Temple. I wanted a group shot but my Aunt was in a hurry to get back.
Idaho Falls Temple- We drove past so I had to snap--it's what I do :)

Thomas, the 7 year old changing his little bro's diaper. Mom has them trained well :)

We were watching Dancing With the Stars and Bella started dancing around for us. She grabbed the Beast and suddenly had the perfect routine :) Bella and the Beast

Look at the green... Ewww- At least William likes Spinach in the mushy form :)

One more Halloween picture from this year. The Smurfette, Flapper and the Oompaloompa :)

And they wonder why I miss Logan so much but with roomies like these...

Jamie and Dad talking after one of the city council
meetings. They look like the candidates and Dad lectured her
it made me laugh :) Kyle and I carved this pumpkin :)
He is a really awesome guy!
I called in sick to the job I hated and went to the Rally for Romney which turned out to be a great decision. Yes he is that close to me, it is only a camera phone.

Halloween :) I was a flapper

CORN

This little girl loves her corn! It's like taking candy from a baby :)

YUMMY
Let's all do it